don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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