My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
