last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
