I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
