Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just pee around me
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
