i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
