Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
