My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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