note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
