Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
