he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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