I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
