I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
