hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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