Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
