Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
