There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
