Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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