I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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