I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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