By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Success! We fucked roommates!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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