I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
