i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
my poor anus
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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