two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
