She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
