Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
