How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize