In the future we'll all be gay
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Do vagina's smell?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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