we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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