i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize