sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
