remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
as a side note pls kill me
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
