3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
