i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
