I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
