New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
