I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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