i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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