We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
