Someone shit on the floor
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
pop tarts are not kleenex
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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