Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
