He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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