Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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