Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
