If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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