I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize