Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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