The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
