My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
