Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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