census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
