i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize