Banned from zoo.
Again?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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