did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
