I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
