Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
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