so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
