def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
