I wish I could punch you in the face.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
