I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
