epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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