I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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