last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
