At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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