The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
