im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
