Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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